


Apologize

by shrakeake808



Category: NEOKOSMOS (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Past Abuse, Redemption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-29
Updated: 2019-06-29
Packaged: 2020-05-30 20:42:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19411027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrakeake808/pseuds/shrakeake808
Summary: When the humans are rescued from the station, taken away by the pirates, 9 can no longer ignore that what they've done is wrong.





	Apologize

You were very good at hiding your emotions. When it was a matter of life or death, and concealing was the only way to live, you did not have a choice but to hide. Now, however, you  _ did  _ have a choice. Living with the pirates, freed from Kondoz’s control, you had more freedom than ever before. It was overwhelming; you didn’t know how to react to it. Lucky for you, the pirates did not expect much. They were patient, and understanding, the few times you had interacted with them. You did not deserve their kindness.  You were a detestable creature, the cause of so much suffering, suffering of those just like you.  What you had done would not soon be forgotten; not by you, not by anyone, you thought.  Red knew. Why did she act so kind?  You didn’t deserve it.   
  
You thought you were very good at hiding your emotions. Red knew better than to believe your facade. Maybe it was the freedom of not having to hide, or the emotions of the others which wore down on you, but whatever the reason, she knew.    
  
You were guilty.   
  
You had done many awful things. Red knew. Everything you did, you told yourself, was for your survival. If you hadn’t done those things, if you disobeyed, you wouldn’t be here now.  But everything  _ wasn’t  _ just for your survival. You said things, cruel things, to Seven- things that Kondoz never asked you to say. She never asked you to be mean, she never told you to make their life more miserable than it was. But you did. You couldn’t help it.   
  
Seven filled you with a bitter jealousy every time you heard their thoughts. They had the privilege of being  _ happy _ . The humans- the  _ other _ humans, raised on Level 2, were so much better off than you or Seven ever were. When you were young, an experiment to be tested on, you did not get the pleasure of knowing of their existence. You didn’t know of anyone but yourself. Seven did not. Seven could See. Seven could sit in their room- their cell-, and pretend, pretend to have friends.  _ You  _ never got the privilege. It made you sick to hear. Seven would trick themself, lie to themself as they escaped their suffering in favor of playing pretend.  You wished you could have done the same.   
  
Every time you saw them now, you remembered. Every soft utter of  _ ‘they will never understand you, they will never be your friends’  _ rang in your ears, and an awful turmoil of emotions filled you, bubbled up to your throat, but you could never release them. You thought you hid these feelings well, but Red saw. She saw your prolonged stares of contempt, saw the way your fists would clench just a bit too tight whenever the Level 2 humans would interact with Seven. Red was smart, even now, and she knew you even better than Kondoz did. You couldn’t hide from her. She made note of every stare, and every set of clenched fists. She did not let you hide forever. Today she approached you, taking you away from the other pirates and the other humans, and she talked to you. She talked about  _ your  _ feelings. She cared how  _ you _ felt. The gesture was so foreign, and you didn’t know how to respond. Eventually, she had pried enough out of you to come to a conclusion, and that conclusion was to make you apologize. She said it would help, she said it would make you feel better, and she gave you a choice. She said you didn’t have to.  You didn’t want to.  You needed to.    
  
Apologizing to anyone, let alone Seven, was the last thing you wanted to do. You agreed anyway. Red said she would get them alone for you, away from the other humans. You couldn’t find the will to agree or disagree with that, so you let her.   
  
Seven was in their room, she told you, expecting you to go. You walked despite not wanting to move an inch.   
  
As you walked to their room, you felt like you might collapse. The closer you got, the louder their thoughts grew in your mind, and you gripped tightly to your arms behind your back. You weren’t sure what your face was doing. Maybe it was in the same expression it always was, so skillfully neutral, or maybe it reflected everything you felt, which wasn’t to say much. You had no idea how you felt.   
  
You were scared.   
  
You reached the room, and paused. Nothing like their room on the station; nothing like any of the rooms of the station. The beat up, black metal of the door was opened manually by a panel on the wall, and it slid open with an ungraceful noise when you pressed it. Inside stood Seven, looking completely out of place. This wasn’t so different from before, when you would stop by they and the other test subjects’ rooms several times a day, delivering food or coming for testing. You knew they were thinking the same thing. A pit of dread filled in their stomach- or was it your own? You couldn’t tell. This time, you didn’t bring bland food or invasive tests. Instead, you brought an apology.   
  
“Seven,” You started, and your voice startled you. It disturbed the odd tranquility of the room, and the tremble in your tone was just audible enough to catch, glaringly obvious in contrast to your usual carefully controlled tone. Seven said nothing, they knew they didn’t need to.   
  
“I…” Your gaze shifted to the floor. This was wrong, all wrong- you were speaking poorly, breaking testing parameters, letting your expression betray you- your eyes squeezed shut, jaw clenched. No pain would come, no pain would ever come again. That wouldn’t happen here. You were okay here, you were safe here, you reminded yourself.    
  
You could forget your fear.   
  
“I was bad.” You said after a moment, and the words sounded childish. You felt just like a child, in fact.   
  
“I  _ am _ bad. I’ve… Done bad things. To you, and to the.. Other humans.”  The other humans who weren’t here because of you.  Although mention of the other test subjects brought mixed feelings of sadness and longing, it did not bring anger. It never did. Seven didn’t know how to respond, and you heard, and felt, their confusion, along with their sorrow. It was okay, you weren’t done yet.   
  
“I-I did- awful things, that I didn’t have to. I was mean to you. I.. Was jealous. I  _ am  _ jealous.” Speaking, completely unscripted, portraying pure emotion, was terrifying. You didn’t know how to, but you were trying. You just had to remind yourself that nothing bad was coming, no pain would come.   
  
“I’m sorry. For everything.” You finally said it, and you felt Seven’s conflict, their emotions and their dumbfoundedness. It filled you, and took over your own emotions; your embarrassment, your fear, your shame, your guilt.   
  
“I-I know.” Their response surprised you, and you looked up suddenly. Your confusion must have resembled anger, because a quick panic flashed through Seven, and they hurried to continue speaking.   
  
“I know, you did most things because- you had to…” They pulled at their shirt incessantly, nervously looking at the floor, focusing on anything but you, and they chose their next words carefully. Speaking like this was almost as difficult for them as it was for you.   
  
“B-But it’s… Different here. Isn’t it..?”   
  
“It is.” Your response was immediate. It  _ was _ different here. It was so different- you were allowed to express, allowed to feel, allowed to be human. It was all so different, as everything that was forced into your inept young self was slowly unspooled. Everything you had so carefully learned, and perfected. The practice that went into your speaking, your writing, your routine, none of it mattered here. There were no testing parameters to break; there was no testing at all. It was so challenging to come to terms with that, for how long you had lived in strict, carefully crafted fear.   
  
“Then,” They prepared to speak, and you heard their struggle to sort their words, “T-Then, things can be different, for both of us.”   
  
They never said it was okay. You both knew it wasn’t okay, and you didn’t expect them to say so, to lie. You knew you had hurt them, perhaps worse than you had hurt the others, in a sense. But Seven was so kind, not in the same healing way Four had been, but they were willing to forgive. They knew how you lived, before. They saw you in your room, they saw the rare times you would make a mistake, they saw when Kondoz would reprimand you. They knew, they understood, even if it wasn’t fair for them. They had never been cruel to you. Not like Six, or like Eight. You almost wished they were cruel, now that they were free to express any contempt. It would make things easier. It would validate your own feelings, certainly. It almost made you miss Six. They knew to tell you how bad you were, and they knew even more than Seven did. Maybe that was the problem.   
  
“M-My f-” Abruptly, Seven cut themself off, and again they felt afraid. They stared at you with wide eyes, searching, and they found that your expression did not alter, that you were not prepared to argue.   
  
“... My friends,” They started again, slowly, “They’re really.. Nice… I-I think they like me. Maybe, you could talk to them, too, some time..?” Their offer was hesitant, and you knew they were worried for your reaction.   
  
_ ‘They will never understand you, they will never be your friends.’ You told Seven time and time again, each and every time you entered their room and found their thoughts to be centered around the Level 2 test subjects. Even if they did not speak these awful ideas, you could hear it, in their thoughts. ‘Their friends’, they would call the Level 2s. It was sick, twisted, it would never happen. It was a fantasy, only escapism. They would never understand a Level 3 human such as Seven.  _ _ Or would they never understand  _ **_you_ ** _? _ __  
__  
“That would be nice.” You say anyway, despite the idea making your stomach turn. Being around many Level 3 humans was awful, one Level 2 human you could hardly stand, but being around  __ several  Level 2s was almost unbearable, for the short amount of time you’d had to experience that.    
  
“I’m- I’m going to go, now, though. Maybe another time you can… Introduce me.” Being nice was so foreign, all you did was follow orders. You could not bring yourself to smile, but you tried to be friendly enough. You weren’t sure if it worked. A confusing turmoil of emotions filled Seven, and unlike you, they smiled, just a bit. They knew you were trying.   
  
“Okay,” They replied quickly, and they genuinely sounded happy. You didn’t know how to feel about that. Positive emotions always left you feeling conflicted, especially when they weren’t your own. Without another word, you turned and left, shutting the door behind you. Only then did you release a sigh, finding that Red had been waiting outside, asking you how it went.   
  
Now, you still felt guilty. The past still weighed heavily in your mind, but now, you had some hope. Maybe you would be able to make amends, in the future. Maybe you would be able to learn to socialize with the other humans. Maybe feeling their perspectives would become more bearable.  Some part of you hoped that maybe, like when you were a child, they would become a comfort.   
  
Now that you were grouped with the rest of your species, despite Level variants, there would be no way to avoid coming into contact with them at some point. Red- and the rest of the pirates, you assumed- knew about your abilities, they knew being close to the other humans was stressful, but it couldn’t always be avoided.    
  
You would just have to adapt, like you had before.   
  
Maybe this time, it wouldn’t be so bad.


End file.
